Telling myself that “I am beautiful” has always been a struggle for me. When I was younger, my grandfather would always comment about my weight or something towards my outward appearance. He wasn’t the only one. For years I was teased by cousins about how I spoke. Older kids would do the same. I was told I talked like a “white girl” and that I was an “oreo” all through middle school. Strangers haven’t treated me any better. I constantly receive comments like, “you are pretty, for a dark skin girl.” Yes, peak puberty time. I was an overweight dark skin girl, with braces and glasses, and taller than most of the boys. I had a bubbling and likable personality but absolutely hated myself from the outside. The only thing that ever made me feel beautiful was fashion.
The material world was completely accepting of me, and I don’t mean by media standards. That’s one thing that I’ve never cared about. It’s those that are closest to me that have hurt me the most. Some may say its over-sensitive, but it’s not. I am not unconfident by nature but by nurture.
This weekend at the Millions Conference I was not expecting to face the demons of my self-esteem issues. I was really hoping that the conference was going to be full of workshops focusing on gaining wealth all through a biblical context. It was. But it ultimately turned into a personal revival. I was met with some divine directions for my life and convictions that I was not expecting. Proclaiming and believing that I am indeed beautiful were one of them.
I have always thought people were lying to me. Like, do you mean that or are you being for real? Why? Because for more than a decade of my life I was criticized for my appearance, not appreciated for it. The low self-esteem has led to me being taken advantage of by men mostly and caused me to question my value. I learned that these series of events has led me to become less reliant on God and more on man. To give God half of me and the rest to others when he’s dropping all the blessings and what not. I learned that I was my own affirmation and God didn’t make a mistake when he created me.
I learned that these series of events has led me to become less reliant on God and more on man. To give God half of me and the rest to others when he’s dropping all the blessings and what not. I have learned that in order for me to fulfill the purpose of my life on earth, I need to get with my God who sits up in heaven. I learned that I was my own affirmation and God didn’t make a mistake when he created me. I learned that in order for me to be successful at all, especially embarking into an entrepreneur endeavor within the fashion industry, that I would have to accept myself as a unique and creative individual. I learned that the devil is a liar. I am not ugly and not forgotten. I am every bit of 5′ 9”, thick hair, thick thighs, small waist, big eyes, kinky hair, over-talking, ever serving, always curious, and every bit of beautiful.
I write this and am overwhelmed by my vulnerability. By my personal revelations. But as I have stated in my About section, my seeking is not solely based in Chicago. It is based on my lifestyle and as I seek and share this awesome city and experiences that I have with my readers, I ultimately seek out the best in me. Much thanks to Latoya for sharing her Thou Art Beautiful affirmation cards with me!
See my full video of me sharing the affirmation cards and my personal struggles with beauty via Periscope.
From one seeker to another. I am beautiful and you are too!
Stay Seeking.
